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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

More Than A Crush...

On a daily basis we walk a fine line between what's acceptable, extraneous and downright crazy, so it's understandable that occasionally, our opinions about what's acceptable can be brought into question. How do you know how your intentions will be judged. Are you successfully initiating the "meet cute" story that the two of you will eventually tell your children's children at the family reunion... Or are you prefilling your arrest warrant?   Here's a list of three potential types of stalkers...

1. The Work Place Stalker
Monday morning is difficult enough to face without being concerned about an obsessive pair of eyes hovering over the edges of your cubicle or that a knock on the door is going to put you face to face with the one person who makes you more uncomfortable than R. Kelly at a Junior High School dance. The workplace stalker demonstrates his/her slightly offputting behavior based on how contrived his/her reasons for visiting your work area more than 12 times a day. The work place stalker is there with your morning cup of coffee with the perfect cream to sugar substitute ratio because they've watched you measure the concoction every morning for the previous 6 months. Instead of sending an email communicating due dates or scheduled team meetings, they find every reason to travel down 14 rows of cubes and 5 closed office doors to deliver the message in person...often reading from said memo in a sweaty shaking hand, while making the smallest of small talk and inquiring about your day, children, dog, goldfish, paper boy...which wouldn't be so bad, if they didn't do the same thing EVERY Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

2. The Internet Stalker
This type is far more difficult to spot if he/she is content with simply lurking around your favorite social media networks. The problem is, this type is usually progressive in their stalker tendencies. It starts with quiet, little harmless mooning over your profile picture. A bit of lurking never harmed fair maiden nor gent. But then it gets worse. They've finally worked up the nerve to type a "LOL" after some random, hastily flung witticism and you responded! The flood gates of passion can't be contained in the internet stalker when you employ the smiley face. At that point, your pictures, inbox and status are all subject to the one person in the world who can't seem to get enough of you...besides yourself. Before you know it, your friend's list becomes his/her friends list and every comment is mysteriously followed by their comment and the picture you posted of the kitty hanging by it's paws is somehow the funniest thing on Earth.

3. The Emotional Stalker
The emo stalker comes with paperwork. Ever have that one friend who makes the weirdest sexually inappropriate jokes, but you're willing to overlook it because when you need to vent, they're the "go to" person? Here's a clue: That person ACTUALLY thinks you're the beeknees and is too afraid/crazy/delusional,  shy to let you know. Where's the harm in that? I'll tell ya! The same hand that's there to wipe your tears is attached to an arm that is blocking any additional interactions in your life. Isolation is a stalkers bread and butter. How can we test this theory? I'm glad you asked. Present Loopy Du Jour with a scenario in which you are a complete and unrepentant rogue. Some sort of cross between Mengle and Lindsay know a complete screw up who punches baby ducks for jollies. If you present your utterly disturbing scenario and they blame the "witless victim" rationalizing that ducks have all those feathers and can take a could have a potential emo~stalker or an overly supportive friend. If however, they suggest that you two team up and punch ducks because they need to be taken down a!

It's easy to let the object of your desire and a dash of fantsy run away with you. In fact, our society encourages it. (How else do you explain "scripted reality shows"?!). The key is to realize when you may have obliterated stepped over the line. If you recognize yourself in any of the above...its time for a the country...alone!

And what if you're the person being ardently pursued? Stop being so damned alluring, witty, charming and irresistible...and if all else fails, wear something comfy. That trunk ride to the country can get pretty bumpy!

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