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Monday, August 9, 2010

Five Tell~Tale Signs You're Dealing With a Married (Or Otherwise Occupied) Man

I received insightful  feedback to the Rules Of Engagement post. I appreciate the stories shared...the laughter, the tears, sitting outside of his house and setting fire to his clothes...really I do, but I have to ask: How did we hop, skip and jump to already dumped? The way it jumped from a handful of harmless "flirt" tips into "The Triflin' Life" passed much too quickly for my tastes. So I started asking questions. (I'm kinda good at that.) Here is what I found out: Despite the fact that he's at a school/museum/car dealership/club/BBQ/gym/Krogers/Stop light/Funeral by himself, he could have a woman at home! (Yes, these are all 100%  true!) We'll discuss his culpability, trust me, I have enough rocks to toss all the way around, but by 25, identifying his "situation" shouldn't be so complicated. And if it're hiding something from yourself.
The Ring or Ring Tan
Ask a woman what she looks at first in a man and the answer can range from "his smile", to "his shoes" to "his kneecaps", but rarely will you hear my go~to answer. "I extend my RIGHT hand to meet his RIGHT hand". No, it's not righthand biased or some super sensitive sex secret that only I can tell by shaking his right hand.  I'm looking for a ring, tan or indentation that indicates that somewhere in his past, he told some hapless woman "I do", despite knowing that "he don't/won't/can't". If you're not committed to committing this to memory, you like "your men" committed. Sorry.

This is how the conversation goes:
You:  What do you do for a living?
Him:  What are you, a gold digger?
You:  I'm just asking, you know I don't mind cooking dinner and watching a Redbox movie at my place every weekend, but you always leave while I'm asleep!
His CIA Job Is So Demanding
That It Only Takes Place On The Couch
Or In The Bedroom!
Him:  You monitoring me now?!!!
You:  No,'s just that we've been kicking it every NIGHT and I don't know how you're affording the ENTIRE $5 for the movies. I just want to know you. *Deep Sigh* Maybe this isn't going anywhere...(said, as you put your pants back on).
Him:  Naw know, this club/FBI/CIA/Promotions job got me trippin'...workin' crazy hours and stuff. Come here, lemme rub yo feet.
If you don't know where he works, you won't show up and make a scene. And if you DO find're a stalker. That's called the "JumpOff Lose/Lose Situation".

He's Got The Worse Luck...Everyone He's Ever Known Prior To You Is Dead! You're cradling his head post coitus as he relives some random memory of a little league game and his mother cheering him on...(yeah right!) You're cradling his head and you ask about his family. Tragically, they've "all been killed in a freak football watching accident, leaving him alone in this big cold world with only you (between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m.), and would you please go scramble him a couple of eggs?" This is the rule that we're born knowing, forgetting and ignoring as we see fit, so some guys have "upped" the game.

You've met his mother...but she doesn't remember your name. (Translation: He brings EVERYBODY by Mom's...she's a playa, she watches "The Game".)  You've met ALL his male friends and they think you're SO funny and charming. (Translation: He told them how easy it was to "hit" and they're waiting their turn.) You've met his children on the exact same night he has to go out of town on "business". (Translation: Hello Unpaid Babysitter!).

Dear G~d...You know your mama & 'nem gonna ask. YOu know your Pastor is going to want to know. You know you're dying to ask how he spends his Sunday mornings. Is he sitting in the lotus position chanting? Rockin' pajamas til 3 p.m.? A 3 piece suit & gators in 100 degree weather? A tambourine and a single ponytail? A bowtie and bean pie? Exchanging handshakes with the Illuminati or Tom Cruise? Perhaps his beliefs (or lack thereof) never entered the conversation. There's a reason for that. He doesn't want his wife wondering who the recipient (you) of his EXTRA LONG hug is and why she's a stranger to her, but overly familiar to you.

Computer Illiterate?! You ask him about an email address and he responds with a wide eyed, slack jawed gape, responding, "Iono nothin' about no internet!" Sweetie, it's 2010. My great grandmother has a FB/Twitter account that she manages from the grave. It's bad enough that he's only provided an 800 number that you're only allowed to call between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., but should you need to cancel tonights "date", you find yourself going through a communications gymnastics course wherein you send smoke signals, call, letting the phone ring 2 and 1/2 times only to hand the phone to the nearest male cousin so he can ask if "Sweet Neck" is home. If you don't know by now that he's trying to keep you from seeing his wedding pictures, his wife's random FB posts asking him to pick up Clorox on the way home, and the mass invites to their 10 year anniversary...then you've read all this for naught! He's MARRIED/OCCUPIED/OTHERWISE INVOLVED...and you, Sister, you just sold yourself way too short.

Anybody got a match?

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