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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy "Dummy You're In Love So Be..." Day!

Valentine's Day Approacheth and if I were more helpful, I'd contort and torture the few brain cells I'm not using to conjuring ideal gifts, dates, gifts and moments to help all the lover's I know. Instead, I thought I'd give the only useful advice at my disposal.

Ladies, if you're asking yourself: "What does he want?"
The Answer is...>drumroll!< EVERYTHING!

Gentlemen, if you're asking yourself: "What does she want?"
The answer is...>dramatic pause< EVERYTHING ELSE!

...and vice versa...

See how easy that is?!!!

Can either of us be all this to each other? No!!!
Should we try?!! Occasionally...

I present to you a laundry/grocery/wish dreamlist of the qualities we look for in each other...(and yes, I applied empirical male data, as I'm genetically predisposed to "GIRLINESS"...)

Ladies first, you chauvinist clods...

So,'re travelling the aisles of the Relationship~Mart (think Walmart of Men) and what do you pick up?
The staples:
Now that we've gotten THAT out of the way, let's hit up our favorite aisle...

Our Neurosis:
We want a Father/Brother/Bestfriend/Pastor/Homegirl/Security Guard/Furniture Mover/Financier/Insect Killer/Teacher/Stud/Diary/TeddyBear/SuperHero/Therapist/Sun, Moon, Stars, Clouds, Ocean...

Yes, we do expect all that AND we expect you to guess which one we want when we're all silent and moody while telling you "nothing's wrong". Better yet, we'd like you to do all of the previous, in an open square of our hometown meeting district of choice while a hot~air~balloon circles, displaying "She's the best woman EVER to be born on earth!" across the LED screen, preceded and followed by fireworks as tulips and roses drop from the sky. Think you can handle all that? Good, because you must now do all of that in every city, in every state, in every country...on every isthmus, island, inlet, and celestial body in the galaxy...(including those unseen by the naked eye...).
To which we'll reply: "You don't spend enough time with me..."
*Quit whining!*
Oh should also love ya mamma, be drop dead gorgeous, (encompassing every cultural representation of perfection), taller, financially stable, educated, respectful and perfect...without making us look any less...

Empirical Data provided the following information regarding what "men want from women"...
Pay close attention...
Sex (in any way that they prescribe)
Isolation during their favorite activity,
(be that: sports, video games, reading, working,
yawning, butt scratching, chess,
anonymous booty, visits to the strip club
Unfair, but funny...(to me...and honestly, does anyone else matter?!)

Men confess when bound and gagged to wanting a Mother/Sister/Homeboy/Prophet/Ego Stroker/Financier/Sexy Instructor/Diary/Video"personnel"/Heroine~Heroin/Counselor/Cook/Secret Shopper/Customer Service Representative/Tree, Volcano, Lake, Hummingbird, Eclipse, Tsunami...

Yes, ladies...we are required to be more than "a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed", so PLEASE stop posting (on FB/Twitter/Blackplanet/GoogleBuzz/YahooMessenger/MSN...) Garveyite quotes next to pics of yourself 3/4's naked in your special "Scripture a day" panties...It'S NOT WORKING!!!

What does this tell you? (Shameless prompt: I won't know unless you comment)...It tells me this:

We have a myriad of expectations. A perfection that neither of us could reach, if either of us would reach, those things we wish we'd reach...that's a bit of stretch! I (and you) would have to summon all those additional personalities, imaginary friends and movies we've insisted on believing in to come ANYWHERE close...
But who has that kind of time?!!!

This Valentine's's my advice.

Take your 58%, 64%, 77% and be exceedingly happy. Sure, you're name isn't written on a ribbon in the sky, but, neither is Mrs. Wonder's...instead you got a smile.

No, she hasn't performed questionable acts for the amusement of your friends...but your breakfast in bed was SLAMMIN' (...besides, you wouldn't want her to ACTUALLY  do that other nonsense!)

He failed to book reservations at the la~dee~da eatery, didn't buy roses, and gave you a card last minute, as if it was a Houdini hat trick *voila!*...but only he knows that one silly joke that can make you laugh while the walls of Jericho fall...

No, she won't apologize for asking you to turn off the game, she has probably reserved this day (and this day ONLY) for breakfast in bed, and all you got was a crappy tie/watch/cologne/sweater...but if you had a bad can count on the echo of her voice cosigning and protesting every injustice that you've faced, while rubbing your head and trying her "make it all better".

Look, if you've got someone to make up what you can't/won't do for yourself...
Enjoy what you have.
Happy Valentines... Dummy!

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