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Friday, February 5, 2010

Everything I Need To Know, I Learned Avoiding Lifetime

I like being female. Specifically, I enjoy being a girl and I cherish beging a woman. What I don't the Lifetime Network. Everytime I hear their slogan, "TV for women", I want to hunt down whichever mysogynistic, male chauvinist troglodyte shoveled that load of crap across the table and presented as a promotional tool.

*deep cleansing breath*

With that said, here are a couple of things I've learned by avoiding Lifetime like the scourge that it is...

1. A woman acts proactively.
While it's admirable that Judith Light/Valerie Bertinelli/Shannon Elizabeth, etc...rose from the ashes of a shattered life and started over on "a level playing field", what happened to identifying trouble BEFORE your life is set ablaze by bad, misinformed decisions?

2. A woman is not the sum total of her failures.
In the same vein as "proactive life participation", building moments don't necessarily require a burning bed, emotionally bankrupt spouse, rebellious hateful children or on the job sexual harrassment. Some of us have accomplished greatness by the practical application of our skills, not as a means of "proving someone wrong".

3. Developing self worth is ongoing.
One simple "triumph of spirit" does not a grown woman make. Our growth and developement is such as complex organism. I say "organism" because it is a living representation...a process, not the finish line.
4. A mate does not a life make.
Listen, we all desire that one person who encourages us to laugh, think and grow. Unfortunately, I've yet to meet a single, solitary woman who's every life question and trauma was solved by a man/mate.

5. Female lockdown facilities are NO place for a sane virgin...
(yes, folks...this is the comic relief!)

Never one to settle with being part of the problem, here are my suggestions based on the idea that maybe adversity DOES make us stronger (and NO Thelma & Louise will be NOWHERE on this list...those idiots killed themselves.):

A Long Kiss Goodnight
Strong amnesiac, butt kicking mom.  Rhianna got her eyeshadow advice from
Ms. Charli Baltimore, and one of raps first ladies, borrowed her moniker and swag in hopes of securing a place in hip hop history!  How do you know she's bad?
She made Samuel Jackson, lower his freakin' voice!

Strong, extraterrestrial mothers fight it out for inner/outerspace supremacy.  Weaver's strategic avoidance of slime should
serve as a lesson for that "There's Something About Mary" hair snafu.

Silence Of The Lambs
A how to manual for turning the good ol' boy, law enforcement network on it's ear, Foster extracting moths, challenging a cannibal, rescuing a lotion deprived, well bound idiot...all while sporting a fly bob~cut is womanhood at its best!
(Unfortunately, the same kind of feminine kick butt was not found in the series resulting in incredible disappointment for Agent Starling.)

Another "girl cop", flick without the rampant sexuality
shows what Columbo would be like if he were pregnant,
happily married and not bothered by looking in the woodchipper.
A Canadian must have..."ayuh".

Living Out Loud

A personal fave for the simple reason that she turned down the obvious "and they lived happily ever after" ending.  Don't get me wrong...she lived happily.  (Who can be sad strolling down the street while Hot Fun In The Summer Time plays in the background?)  But she turned down DeVito's offer (which cements the movie's realism) and found herself...and isn't that what womanhood is all about?

Its been my mission since becoming an adult to openly disparage the Lifetime movie network in the hopes that someone in programming will make definitive changes to their programming to something far more palatable...and like Scarlet O'Hara...I shall never be hungry again! ...oh never mind!

These are my favorites...what are yours?

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