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Thursday, September 23, 2010

There’s A Heart Where My Refrigerator Use To Be…

Or,  how to move on from a breakup without bitterness...

I’m a great ex girlfriend. Yep, I’m going to go on record as being called a good friend following many a clean break from previous relationships. With one or two possible exceptions, I can enter a building where a former co~relationship~ant is enjoying himself and the vibe will not turn negative for either party. My homegirls stand in awe, my homeboys wonder at my coolness…the seas part and I stroll across on salmon and make sushi…yeah, I’m a bad GIRL!

Seriously though. I make the weirdest friends and some of them include guys I use to date (one outing qualifies in my book…). Do we hang out at daily? Ummm, no! Do I attend the baptism of their third baby’s mama’s child? NOOOO (That would require a gift!). But can we attend the same Nas show without breaking bottles and de~evolving into random fisticuffs?! Sure! And why the hell not?

The reason: I leave without bitterness and allow them to do the same.
THE CAVEAT: Once again, this only works with sane people. If you’re a Scorpio, unstable, there’s a WHOLE other set of rules…

Develop a date of ejection: One of my most valuable lessons in life is the importance of reaching a mutual conclusion. I dated this guy once. Funny, witty, creative and a singer (my life falls along this pattern, so stay with me!). Despite all of this we realized we were on different paths.

He: marriage/children/happily ever after.
Me: “an understanding/monogamy/some other stuff

We jointly called it a day, complete with an expiration date, location, color and song. It was like a mini wedding. We mutually decided on a date where we’d limit contact. A date when we could both “safely” resume conversation (by phone) and specifically agreed upon conversations. No more songs, no music was allowed, no mutual clubs attended, no gospel stage plays, concerts, harmonizing cicadas… You get my drift. The end date was enjoyable…but like discount meat, it was meant to be consumed in a 6 hour period.

Engage in One Last Try: With the exception of Cosby, Martin and Living Single…I don’t enjoy reruns…At some point, couples realized they don’t work. Your vegan girfriend/wife says, “You like bacon…you eat beef” or…”you don’t read…you don’t…*expletive deleted in a holy way* Yo!” or “You don’t do the things that I do and do, do the things I don’t!” As much as I enjoy dichotomy (opposites), when it’s time to move on, DON’T LOOK BACK!!!! Yeah, you’ll remember how (s)he’d brush the side of your cheek and the first day you chewed bubble gum, but this is NOT the time to re-dabble into the inkwell. Pick up your pen and write a new poem. This helps in a number of ways, but primarily it assists not expecting the new relationship to mimic the old. Trust me that you don’t want that. If you did, you’d still be in the old relationship, wouldn’t you?

Realize that the relationship died…not you! It’s time to ditch the all black everything and remove the flowers from the casket. The relationship is dead and gone like T.I’s freedom, but you’re still singing the same dirge and waiting for a resurrection that rivals Lazarus’ stroll from the grave. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that a bit of sadness isn’t called for. But obsessive facebook stalking, refusing to remove their number from your speed dial, and sleeping on their doorstep failing to resume your life isn’t going to get them back in the warmth of your bosom…It’s going to make them run like Forrest Gump on meth. #TrueStory

Bitterness is not a good look on anyone, especially not the “newly single”. Think about it this way. Are you more likely to attract “the next one” if you’re still making sad faces at the old one? Go on and live! (It’s much more fun…)

Did I mention that stalking is a no~no?!!!
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