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Thursday, August 5, 2010

If I Were A Boy...

Beyonce's a pretty smart kitten. Bite back the muffled laughter and hear me out. I was having a small Youtube Festival the other day where I clicked the links on all suggested songs and came across her single If I Were A Boy. Now, I'm not a mega fan...but my ears don't shut themselves off when I hear her voice, so I listened along and my brain said, "Start writing!". I'm a girl. That much is pretty obvious at first glance. Despite standing 6 foot and commanding all the attention that dreadlocks and a semi permanent scowl entails, I'm still easily identified as Heterosexualus Femalicus.  (And I like it that way).  I don't understand the "girl crush" phenomena, I'd still wear bows in my hair if it didn't make me look like a deficient twit and I think of fingernails as nature's little multitasking wonder tool.   The benefits of girly~dom are too numerous to count, which explains my giddyness at a pair of huge dangly earrings, some high heels and striking eyeliner. Something about that combination ensures that I wow the world with my perfect feminity. But listening to Beyonce, my imagination started running a marathon. And you get to come along!

If I were a boy, I'd dress up like my favorite comic book hero, Night Crawler and 'bamf' my way in and out of amusing situations, Porky's style. Something about me loves low brow antics, they make me feel like the genius that I am, because I'd never be caught in such random circumstances...without a video camera.

If I were a boy, I'd avoid "chick flicks" like the scorge and sin that they are. Who wants the type of woman that I have to mentally wrestle, argue and cajole into falling in love with me while getting over her ex boyfriend and listening to her single girlfriends? And moreover, who voluntarily sits through two hours of this kind of unrewarding torture?

If I were a boy, I'd be a tech geek. I love finding easy ways to do complex, ridiculous things that mystify the common man. I'd be the Chris Angel of all things technical, hovering over a frozen block of Steve Job~sicles and laughing haughtily at my own superiority.

If I were a boy, I'd make a sport of turning feminist...and write a how to book...with pictures. *Insert maniacally evil laughter here*

If I were a boy, I'd walk around carrying a glove, smacking any guy who says he has "pretty boy swag" in the face and challenging them to a duel. Why risk getting my face handed to by some huge rage~aholic?!!

If I were a boy, I'd be a dog in my youth and a teddy bear in my old age. Wild oats ain't just for cereal.

If I were a boy, I'd be a skaterboarding rugby player. Scars are sexy and there's something amazingly gratifying about alternately beating my body into submission...and visiting the same pain on others in the name of sport, competition and "Hulk SMASHedness".

If I were a boy, I'd go to church every Sunday. Where else can you get the combination of the "preacher's daughter" mystique with prim and proper clothing and a healthy amount of guilt to exploit for my own nefarious purposes.

If I were a boy, I'd have a bathroom stocked with nothing but a comb, Dr. Bronner's soap, baking soda and a toothbrush. All that Axe bodyspray, Murray's hair shellac and random nasal raping odors are a no can do! I got rugby to play...

If I were a boy, I'd read GQ for comic relief and Maxim...for "other relief".

If I were a boy, I'd be a conscious gangsta rapper. Check out my flow, kid!
 Rippin' off energies/for my inner g/Slaying wack facsimilies/ of random emcees/...

...but I'm just a girl...
If I were a boy, I'd probably be some combination arch villan, civil rights activist, giggolo, ninja bartender. Multitasking your vices is a sign of higher intelligence and macho virililty.

If I were a boy, I'd be all quietly stoic and carry a huge gun in the middle of my back so everyone who walked up on me from behind would KNOW I'm not to be trifled with.

If I were a boy, I'd watch the miracle of childbirth once...just once.

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