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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Can You Hear Me Now? Unfortunately, yes!

I walk ALOT. Rarely does a day go by where I'm not walking from one mass transit system to another, enjoying the day and reveling at the fact that butterflies seem to have no actual map or devised plan for their destination. (Thanks Kim...). In my frequent travels I notice something besides the random meanderings of butterflies, the heat and cup handed beggars. People on cellphones have somehow irritated me to point where I welcome insistent and socially inept cigarette smokers into my inner~outer public circle. As an asthmatic and a frequent dabbler into natural aromatic scents, cigarette smoke has been the bane of my social existence since Kool Filtered Kings became an item on many a hood grocery list. I don't enjoy the smell whether freshly lit, recently squashed or lingering in clothing despite wash number 127. Nothing makes it better. So, how did public cell phone usage trump public smoking? The "uncomfortably overheard public phone chat"...If you haven't heard it is:  Things you should NEVER discuss in public on your cell.
So, I'm walking to the subway/train/cab and a voice rings out, "Girl, and I couldn't get it to stop itchin'!!!" I instantly grabbed my ears and hightailed it out of ear range, but as fate would have it...the offending conversation boarded the train and gave an indepth analysis of a boil located on parts of her body that are not fit for public display. And of course, anybody who looked at her in recoiled horror was subjected to, "I don't know why dese nosy foks is all up in my bidness!" Never mind that her "bidness" was so detailed that a passing MD could have easily diagnosed whatever form of genital herpes she was providing the play by play detailed. With that said, any conversation with your physician/homegirl about your physical or reproductive health, should occur behind closed doors...not two seats away from me. Thanks!

Do us all a favor and break up via Facebook like normal folks. I'd rather not be headed out for a night on the town with my homegirls and listen to your harangue from the backseat of the Range (ummm, in the hatchback of the Festiva) talking about how you caught him in bed with the next door neighbor, Roscoe. It's uncomfortable and instead of inspiring sympathy, it forces me to point out that I identified his "tramp stamp" as suspect, showed you the Youtube video of him booty poppin' with his boys (as a joke) and his decision to continue wearing all things Ed Hardy. Seriously, when it's time to lay that relationship down, carry out those conversations behind closed doors...unless you happen to have the type of miscreant who is comfortable breaking up via text, in which case, respond (also via text) "Thank You" and give your girls directions to this cowards house...we've some things we'd like to "discuss" with him.

"I know my account had 79 cents left in it when I checked this morning! You mean I can't withdraw 50 cents when I need it?!!!" Believe it or not, I've heard a similar one sided phone conversation which wouldn't be so bad...except said party proceeded to provide his personal information, bank account number, address and social security number to verify his identity in tones so loud, that birds stopped chirping for an opportunity to drain his account of the remaining 29 cents. A co~passenger turned to me asking, "Did he say 30 or 13?" Trust me, people are listening and recalling far more than you're willing to believe, especially when it comes to your personal financial information. When possible, and only in emergency situations, use the keypad or wait until you get home. Rufus is listening...

"Wait...lemme get back to my T~lady's crib. She got da rest of my work over there! Please don't do drug deals all out in the open willy nilly! I could care less about your decision to grow weed in your bathtub. For some folks, it's an improvement to bodily odors. Hiding your drugs at your mom's place is already a fail. Combine this genius move with discussing impending deals over the phone, in public, LOUDLY...and I want you to be arrested. It bothers me tremendously that this is a "true story" moment, and violates my soul as I never thought people were THIS stupid!

I know I'm missing a couple...dozen. What phone calls do you wish you weren't privy to as you stand in line at the bank, shop for grits at the grocer or order your 5th Merlot at your favorite restaurant?

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