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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

You Ought To Be In Pictures...

So, you've prepared your spontaneous poses and preset the camera to capture your endless love in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Or perhaps, you two are attending a function and your shutter happy friend insists on snapping photographs of you unaware preparing for their life as a member of the paparazzi. Or may, it's just something that happened and once again, yourself and your mate are freeze framed into the annals of time for family, friends, and facebook to fawn over. Either way, at some point in your relationship, there will be pictures of you with your significant other (and if there isn't...well, that's another post for another day). You'd be surprised by what your pictures are saying...



It's pretty simple to deduce that couples who have multiple face to face photos probably spend the majority of their time gazing longingly, lovingly and lastingly into each other's countenances...but not so fast. Watch what those eyes are doing before you assume ever lasting adoration. This is the thing. Couples who enjoy each other, tend to look directly at each other. Not over shoulders, at some random point to the left, right, above or beneath of their paramores.

A couple that exudes contentment is pictures are none other than our POTUS and the First Lady. A genuine smile, whether facing the cameras or each other, casual touches seem to reassure each other of their great fortune at having found each other and open, receptive body postures that point to their ease and contentment whether staged or captured unaware. Likewise, photos of Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee with their heads and smiles inclined towards each other bespeak a timeless love.

Ugh...
Body language speaks volumes.

This last one can be a tad tough to decipher. On the one hand, a picture of a couple all snuggled together can signal their complete rapture with their union. But there are one or two hallmarks that can point to a couple's possessiveness. An arm casually slung over a partners shoulder? Cute. An encircling body blocking, semi~suffocating gestue? Scary.




One thing's for sure...you'll never view Facebook photo albums the same...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

More Than A Crush...

On a daily basis we walk a fine line between what's acceptable, extraneous and downright crazy, so it's understandable that occasionally, our opinions about what's acceptable can be brought into question. How do you know how your intentions will be judged. Are you successfully initiating the "meet cute" story that the two of you will eventually tell your children's children at the family reunion... Or are you prefilling your arrest warrant?   Here's a list of three potential types of stalkers...


1. The Work Place Stalker
Monday morning is difficult enough to face without being concerned about an obsessive pair of eyes hovering over the edges of your cubicle or that a knock on the door is going to put you face to face with the one person who makes you more uncomfortable than R. Kelly at a Junior High School dance. The workplace stalker demonstrates his/her slightly offputting behavior based on how contrived his/her reasons for visiting your work area more than 12 times a day. The work place stalker is there with your morning cup of coffee with the perfect cream to sugar substitute ratio because they've watched you measure the concoction every morning for the previous 6 months. Instead of sending an email communicating due dates or scheduled team meetings, they find every reason to travel down 14 rows of cubes and 5 closed office doors to deliver the message in person...often reading from said memo in a sweaty shaking hand, while making the smallest of small talk and inquiring about your day, children, dog, goldfish, paper boy...which wouldn't be so bad, if they didn't do the same thing EVERY Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

2. The Internet Stalker
This type is far more difficult to spot if he/she is content with simply lurking around your favorite social media networks. The problem is, this type is usually progressive in their stalker tendencies. It starts with quiet, little harmless mooning over your profile picture. A bit of lurking never harmed fair maiden nor gent. But then it gets worse. They've finally worked up the nerve to type a "LOL" after some random, hastily flung witticism and you responded! The flood gates of passion can't be contained in the internet stalker when you employ the smiley face. At that point, your pictures, inbox and status are all subject to the one person in the world who can't seem to get enough of you...besides yourself. Before you know it, your friend's list becomes his/her friends list and every comment is mysteriously followed by their comment and the picture you posted of the kitty hanging by it's paws is somehow the funniest thing on Earth.

3. The Emotional Stalker
The emo stalker comes with paperwork. Ever have that one friend who makes the weirdest sexually inappropriate jokes, but you're willing to overlook it because when you need to vent, they're the "go to" person? Here's a clue: That person ACTUALLY thinks you're the beeknees and is too afraid/crazy/delusional,  shy to let you know. Where's the harm in that? I'll tell ya! The same hand that's there to wipe your tears is attached to an arm that is blocking any additional interactions in your life. Isolation is a stalkers bread and butter. How can we test this theory? I'm glad you asked. Present Loopy Du Jour with a scenario in which you are a complete and unrepentant rogue. Some sort of cross between Mengle and Lindsay Lohan...you know a complete screw up who punches baby ducks for jollies. If you present your utterly disturbing scenario and they blame the "witless victim" rationalizing that ducks have all those feathers and can take a punch...you could have a potential emo~stalker or an overly supportive friend. If however, they suggest that you two team up and punch ducks because they need to be taken down a notch...run!

It's easy to let the object of your desire and a dash of fantsy run away with you. In fact, our society encourages it. (How else do you explain "scripted reality shows"?!). The key is to realize when you may have obliterated stepped over the line. If you recognize yourself in any of the above...its time for a vacation...in the country...alone!


And what if you're the person being ardently pursued? Stop being so damned alluring, witty, charming and irresistible...and if all else fails, wear something comfy. That trunk ride to the country can get pretty bumpy!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Monster ~ A Review

Let the Illuminati rumors resurface.
Kanye West ft Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross, Jay-Z - Monster 
collaborate to re~ignite the viral waves with their Monster video.

Opening with a body hanging from a noose, the talk will begin to decipher when, where and how these artists are related to the "dark underworld" of the Illuminati. 

But once again, simpler explanations can be inferred.  Let's dissect it, shall we?



Kanye specializes in the "stylized" video concept for this millenium, so the images go without question.  Combine the visual "shock value" of hanging mannequins and the lyrics and what you get is typical Kanye. 
00:37 ~ Gossipping hands grasping his frame.
01:15 ~ Kanye positions his fans.
01:51 ~ Kanye loves his fans and their voyeurism *see Twitter*.
02:15 ~ Love me, DAMNIT!
02:25 ~ Enter Jay Z...*in his Hova voice*  Let's play with these images...yeah...haha.
03:03 ~ Insert typical Dame Dash Diss *chuckle*.
03:40 ~ Enter Minaj and her random eye movements and quirky voice.
04:06 ~ Try and recall a Nikki line without rewinding... (I'll wait).
04:50 ~ Nikki fights herself without Lil Kim's assistance.  Weaveologist around the world cheer.
05:29 ~ Kanye reminds you that he may or may not be affiliated with the Illuminati *allegedly*.
05:52 ~ We're all entertained and 4 more rappers head to the bank...

Good show!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Hard To Get, Don't Get Got!

I get it. Trust me. Even in this day and age of advanced, intelligent and independent women, a bit of traditionalism can be considered cute. Just don't over do it. I can hear the chorus of voices asking, "Over do it? Whatever do you mean?" I mean that ever so fun game of cat and mouse that we sometimes employ because we've been led to believe that men "only enjoy the chase". (They DO, but thats another story for another day...)
This is the thing, don't play so hard to get that you never get got...get it?

How does one keep themselves forever out of a relationship? These are five things women do to ensure that they don't get "chose".

Somebody doesn't need to
be on this date...
1. The Triangle
The Female "Rationale" ~ letting him know you're desired by many.
Now, I know what you're saying, but hear me out. The idea of dating is to enjoy various experiences. So on Monday, you may be at dinner with Thomas. On Wednesday, it's a walk through the park with Leroy. On Saturday, a late night movie with Juan. Which is perfectly fine. Unless you find it necessary to bring up the other men on your current date. No guy who is, ostensibly, shelling out cold hard cash on your date wants to hear what Tyrone did the last time HE brought you to the same restaurant. Leave the competition to the Beauty Pageants.


2. The "Too Busy" Game
The Female "Rationale" ~ I'm not going to let him think I'm waiting by the phone.
Newsflash! You can take your phone with you! So maybe it's okay to let him know you're glad he called by actually ANSWERING the phone. It's not the end of your "upper hand". It's the truth. And based on a completely unscientific poll guys like girls who tell the truth...and bring sandwiches and beer after sex .

3. The Test
The Female "Rationale" ~ If he wants to be with me he'll do a, b, c and d...all of the above.
The thing about taking a test is, sometimes, no matter how hard you've studied, eaten right and practiced...you can still fail. I realize that setting irrational hurdles and ever moving finish lines seems like a bit of flirty fun, but how long do you expect the average, sane man to participate in your emotional marathon before deciding to throw in the towel and go after your homegirl? He's a man...not a dog participating in the Iditarod.


Would you buy a suit from this man?
Then why are you
taking his advice?!!!

4.  The "Steve Harvey" Effect
The Female "Rationale" ~ Steve Harvey is a man. He knows what men want, so his advice is good.
Whooooaaa! Not so fast with those assumptions. Harvey's book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment", may offer tidbits of sage advice. Advice on how to pick up a Steve Harvey. So unless your intention is to pick up and date a 53 year old Capricorn comedian of questionable talent, game show host, working on his second marriage, perhaps it's best to think like a human and act like a human!






5. The Rom-Comedy of Errors aka "I just want a friend" Effect
The Female "Rationale" ~ It worked for "insert quirky but cute rom-com actress here"...
In much the same way as fairy tales, Santa Claus and a well adjusted convict with a heart of gold tell a partial truth, romantic comedies have doomed this generation of women to the idea that a "meet~cute" story is essential to a happy relationship. So what do we do? We have the heart to heart conversation where we convince "the perfect man" that he's better as our friend, hoping that he'll cross the previous four points to win us over as the sun rises over the Potomac. It's a pointless chase, because it'll never happen.




One thing is a for sure when playing the "hard to get" game. Everybody loses. Now go get got...get it?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Spectacle Or Substance

Once upon a time in a land of soft lighting, demur glances and bodies clutched in silhouette there existed a mystical creature called celebrity. How celebrity spent its moments away from the celluloid dream screen were shrouded in a bit of mystery and noire. Extravagances were hinted at through tastefully decorated attire, homes and cars without excess. Even rollicking good times dressed themselves in metaphor and strolled down rain slick streets without pretense. It didn't require flash, open mouthed stares or spectacle to sell itself. Celebrity was a height to be reached by the most subtle of means.


Somewhere between counting the casualties of the war between the sexes and reinventing civil liberties celebrity found itself at the beginning of a life crisis and determining a newer, more liberated identity. Something that didn't adhere like cement glue to the notion of traditionalized roles or oppression. In short, something that didn't look like its parent's celebrity. In finding, it's twinkle dimmed, it's shine lacked a bit of luster...but struggled against the stimulant induced mania of the 80's and staggered broken and bewildered into the 90's. And as the page turns to 2011...celebrity is on life support.

Welcome to the age of garish attentions, gross spectacle and obnoxiously blatant gestures. Shiny, intangible objects dance in overlit rooms to inexplicably loud audial porn disguised as "love songs". Every moment devoted to intimacy is open to precisioned vivisection and less than tasteful staging...then ran repeatedly to effectively anesthetize the viewing public. We in turn, immortalize the tacky and hand it over to our much beleaguered friend, "celebrity".

It's fascinatingly sick and I'm as much patron as protester of this mishandling. My Sunday night postings about the RHOA notwithstanding, I've fallen victim to the phenomena of spectacle over substance. I'm lofty in my rationalization. I tell myself it's research for the next blog post or a sociological experiment to test the bounds mature thinking. I'm spiritual in my approach to my vice. I watch so that I'm able to pray for these poor misguided souls and gather wisdom about the importance of a Higher Power. I'm even in denial about my semi-obsession with Phaedra's delusions and Kim's inscrutable wig choices. "I don't watch it EVERYTIME it's on...and when I do... it is to give my huge, cynical, analytical brain a rest from solving the world's problems  it's only entertainment! Geeesh...

Or it would be...if we didn't call these reality show camera hounds, celebrities.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Thunder Soul At Discovery Green

Houston, Texas 1975 in the heart of the Trinity Garden neighborhood, a small high school made history without even trying. Thunder Soul is a tribute to the band director who made it possible and documents their story. Discovery Green Houston plays host to the Houston Cinema Arts Festival and will feature an introduction by film director Mark Landsman, an outdoor screening of Thunder Soul and a follow up performance by the nationally known Kashmere Reunion Band on Saturday, November 13th at 6:45 p.m.




The documentary celebrates the Kashmere Stage Band's rise to prominence in the mid 7's despite facing poverty and limited notoriety as a band. Inspired by an Otis Redding concert, Conrad Johnson, known as "Prof" to his students, translated a jazzy the performance style to the Kashmere Stage Band. Under Johnson's tutelage, the KSB earned awards and accolades on a local, regional and national level.



Complete with file footage, photos and interviews with contributing members of the band known as Thunder Soul, viewers are transported to a time of afros and bellbottoms and treated to soul funk sounds that are currently lauded by hip hop dj's such as Handsome Boy Modeling School and DJ Shadow, who contributed to the film's soundtrack.


In February of 2008, Thunder Soul staged a reunion to honor the inimitable Johnson, who was 92 at the time. Participants ranged from members of the band who were still actively pursuing their musical aspirations to those who hadn't picked up their instruments in more than 2 decades, but all shared the common desire to pay homage to their mentor and leader.

For more information...
http://www.discoverygreen.com/
http://thundersoulmovie.com/

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

There’s something intriguing about the ability to be hot, cool, relevant, smart and real, simultaneously. So the fact that you find yourself slightly hypnotized by the hip hop stylings of H.I.S.D, don’t be surprised. In fact, be elated, because authentic music is making a comeback in the Space City. With a language, style and true substance of their own, enter the world according to The Houston Independent Spit District…(and by all means, don’t forget your Lando!).


Third Ward natives and long time friends, Savvi, L Da Voice, Scottie Spitten and Equality, collaborate with Golden Corner in the Golden Room, to present an odyssey between the space/time continuum, and it’s good. The basic story line, involves young men headed out for a night on the town, when approached by a mob identifying them as “something different”. Unexplained flashing lights and forward progression find our heroes in a tunnel of light and headed for the unknown.

Luckily for us, they take us along, where we learn their fate. Experiencing the Space City anew, they head to the District to get their space up. The Weakend is near.

H.I.S.D’S third release is rich in jazzy overtones without becoming lazy and monotonous. After multiple listens, you’ll find more than one lyric, sample, idea and layer that didn’t seem to be there the last time you heard it. And this, is what makes this album worth far more than the asking price. No place for “dumbed down” lyricism, repetitive themes or stereotypical euphemisms, there are tracks where you can pick any two who exemplify classic status.



During the Critical Analysis of The Weakend (talk about a concept album), audience members were treated to a list of terms and ideas to accurately portray how the Weakends. Being seen green, maintaining your Lando and getting your Space Up are all characteristics of inhabitants of The District. The explanations are as enriching as the music and you are the lucky recipient. Treat yourself to the Weakend! But before you do…

1) Be Seen Green
2) Don’t forget your Lando
3) Take your Cranberry
4) Keep Rockin
5) Beware of the Automatics

And visit www.peaceuvmine.com
http://www.theweakend.com/

Monday, November 8, 2010

Our Image Fall Film & Arts Celebration

Our Image Festival appeals to the sense of "there is more to the movie going experience than explosions, popcorn, tears and hackneyed love~comedies" while refusing to diminish any of the above. The two day film festival featured highlights such as the African short Pumzi, local Houston performances, screenings of Canadian film, “NURSE.FIGHTER.BOY”, and novel reading of “DARK RAIN: A New Orleans Story” by author Mat Johnson, salsa dancing demonstrations and the documentary films, Welcome To The Terrordome and Black August. Our Image strives to provide consistent, uplifting images of ethnic groups who are too often typecast in negative portrayals. Through cooperative efforts, they are achieving positivity through film media.

Pumzi, a futuristic film set in Africa, 35 years after The Water War (WWIII), is reminiscent of Octavia Butler's sci-fi themes. In a place where water is scarce, the citizenry find themselves valued by the amount of water their bodies can produce and convert into a potable substance. Access is granted, employment gained and productivity measured in terms of water as currency. Main character and heroine, Asha discovers a mysterious soil sample that points to the world's ability to sustain life, despite the sterility of her water deprived compound. Requesting an exit visa to pursue life outside, Asha is denied and takes matters into her own hands. Pumzi's cinematography, costuming and set are rich in design and depth. A definite must see for science fiction buffs.




Welcome To The Terrordome, features behind the scenes footage of Public Enemy and includes interviews with fellow musicians Talib Kweli, Henry Rollins, Tom Morello and the Beastie Boys. Directed by Robert Patton-Spruill, Terrordome explores rap music prior to its current obsession with fame, notoriety and shiny objects. Interspersed with concert footage and discussions about the distinct personalities of Chuck D, Flava Flav and Professor Griff, and an honest discussion about the role of the S1W's collaborate to share a face beyond the music's message.





Black August, directed by dream hampton explores the relationship between hip hop, culture and revolution in the form of the non-profit organization Malcolm X Grassroots Movement. Highlights include interviews with Talib Kweli, Dead Prez, Common and spreads awareness and support for political prisoners in the US with performances in New York, Cuba, and South Africa. Rare interview footage of exiled activist Assata Shakur, former Black Panther Kathleen Cleaver, political prisoner Mutulu Shakur, and others provides a backdrop of purpose behind the performance.




Black August Hip-Hop Project Trailer from dream hampton on Vimeo.


More than a spectator event, Q&A's and panel discussions followed, focused Using entertainment and media for activism, social change and progression. Panelists included "conscious" hip hop musician Talib Kweli, Los Angeles based film director Christopher Erskin, noted novelist Mat Johnson, MC/DJ and host of SOS Radio MC Zin, journalist professor and new media producer of KTSU radio Serbino Sandifer Walker.

Be on the lookout for more events by Our Image as they are sure to lift and enlighten!
(Many thanks to Moni Henderson and Marc Furi for a fantastic event!)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Madea, Leave Us Alone!

I’d be lying if I said I was walking into this darkened theater unbiased. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t already have a definitive predilection towards Ntozake Shange’s choreopoem, For Colored Girls Who’ve Considered Suicide, When The Rainbow Is Enuf. I’d be lying if I said I was a die hard Tyler Perry fan. And lastly, I’d be lying if I told you I had high hopes for this film and it’s Oscar worthiness. Since I’m not a liar, allow me to tell you the absolute truth from the outset. I read Ms. Shange’s tome in grade school and every year for the past two decades since. I remember being riveted to the American Playhouse TV movie in 1982, featuring Shange with a cast that included Alfre Woodard, Tony Award winner Trazana Beverley, former principal dancer of the Alvin Ailey Dance Theater, Sarita Allen, and an early performance by Lynn Whitfield. And finally, there is at least one female director on my wish list to bring this play to life: Kasi Lemmons (director of Eve’s Bayou).
 Preconceived ideals are my strong suit.


Things rarely work out according to plan, I worked hard to avoid reviews offered by critics who attended various early screenings nationwide. None of the above silenced the uneasy sensation dancing at the back of my mind at the idea that Tyler Perry, (he of the “gospel stage play”, cross dressing, wise cracking matriarch) would present a great work to the big screen. I cringed to think he would be shaping one of my favorite poems for a generation of young women who may (or may not) read the initial adaptation. I was concerned. I feared vignettes featuring heavily made up, yet tragically downtrodden colored girls. I feared melodramatic, heavy handed treatment of sensitive topics such as rape, abortion and domestic violence. I feared the voice of Madea smothering the words of the Ladies in Yellow, Red, Blue and trampling nuance by combining it with talk show psycho babble and reality show caricatures. I feared a dirge instead of a celebration amongst Women overcomers.

Again, in the interest of honesty and disclosure, there were stand out Oscar worthy performances. Anika Noni Rose, a cameo by Macy Gray, Loretta Devine and Phylicia Rashad breathe deeply into the lines Shange penned in the mid 70’s and give them weight, validity and life. Loretta Devine’s initial performance at the door of sometime lover “Frank” was delivered in a breathy nervous monologue meant to convey bravado filled courage, but came off as rushed. As the film progressed Devine’s pacing and intonation found perfection as she exclaims, “somebody almost walked off with alla my stuff!”. She recaptures her “stuff” as she transcends a desperate need for a barely there love, and we celebrate with her.

Without any assistance or guidance from you,
I have loved you assiduously for 8 months, 2 weeks, and a day. I been stood up 4 times, left 7 packages on your doorstep, 40 poems, 2 plants, 3 handmade notecards,
and I had to leave town to send them.
You call at 3 am in the morning on weekdays... charming, charming!
But you have been of NO assistance! I want you to know what this has been an experiment...
to see how selfish I could be.
To see if I could really carry on to snare a possible lover.
To see if I was capable of debasing myself for the love of another.
To see if I could stand not being wanted when I want to be wanted and I can not,
so without any further guidance or assistance from you,
I am ending this affair!



Anika Noni Rose’s ability to roll a multicultural dancer’s diaspora of joy at the fluid movements of her body bespeaks the definition of “owning” one’s self despite a wooden performance by Khalil Kain. As one of the few times when a smile is displayed in openness and hope, Rose allowed Shange’s dialect heavy poetry to become her own language. Gladly when she rolled the “R’s” strolling along Harlem streets, there was no affectation. We saw and joined her love of her own movement. The Lady In Yellow celebrates the roll of her hips, through merengue, salsa, stretching her own body to stand at full height she celebrates self (despite the end results) and we celebrate with her.

& poem is my thank-you for music
&i love you more than poem
more than aureliano buendia loved macondo
more than hector lavoe loved himself
more than the lady loved gardenias
more than celia loves cuba or graciela loves el son
more than the flamingoes shoo-do-n-doo-wah love bein pretty
oyeè neégro

te amo mas que te amo mas que
when you play
yr flute

Macy Gray’s role as backroom abortion “doctor” was absolutely chilling as it utilized her already raspy voice and notoriously lazy, world-weary drawl. An adjunct character, Gray appeared to consider and pour her whole self into each line before allowing it to escape her lips. And once released, her lines were inspected again, with her customary cock of the head and affirming chuckle. In a movie filled with gut wrenching scenes and tears, Gray’s quiet, almost introspective delivery, made me think she was talking to herself. She didn’t speak “at” me as the piece bespoke a woman alone, reminiscing on a more innocent time…and how that purity became jaded by day to day living. Haunting is not too strong a word.

Tessa Thompson also deserves an honorable mention in the opening sequence recounting the blush of virginity turned womanhood as she recounts “becoming woman” and this (amongst other areas) is where problems with Perry’s “adaptation” bleeds through. The women in Per’s world are punished for being women. His decision to splice and interplay monologues according to whim and “message” present a drastically altered view of what each poem can (and does) convey. Consider this: Thompson’s character travels from the blush of a mutual, enjoyable (if youthfully ignorant) sexual experience to pregnancy and abortion in short order and across the “rainbow” lines attributed to the initial poem. Rose’s dancer and her guarded glimmer of hope at new romance are diminished following an animalistic rape scene. Kimberly Elise and Phylicia Rashad pull double duty as nurturers, only to be rewarded by female dog epitaphs, beatings and infanticide.

My harshest criticism for this piece of work is for Whoopi Goldberg’s portrayal. An added character, Madea presents herself, sans wig and prosthetic breasts as a “cult” member replete with judgement steeped in sexual abuse pathos and moralizing. From the birth of her acting career, I’ve been a Goldberg fan. Her comedies, her ability to deliver (in obscurity such as The Telephone) endears me to her abilities as an actress, however, providing the fire and brimstone voice for Perry does her a distinct disservice. To be clear, Whoopi’s performance was equally stellar, but wholly unnecessary in this tome which appears intent on punishing Women for their audacity. What is the audacity in question? Being Woman, Black and celebrating it. Thandie Newton as the sometime indiscriminate, but “socially responsible”(she espouses condoms despite sleeping with married men) sex-a-holic doesn’t bear dissection except to say this. A woman will never be seen as a healthy sexual being without a tinge of judgement in Perry’s world. His decision to celebrate feminine sexuality through the pathos of a damaged woman speaks volumes about a patriarchal society designed to celebrate male conquest and female docility.

And as for the men in this “adaptation”…
There is no polite way to say this. Tyler Perry hates Black Men. It’s a common theme and quite Jim Crow of him, but it’s truly tiresome. The diminutive Hill Harper exists as the sole voice of a reasonable, hardworking, understanding Black Man, which is unreasonable to the point of ridiculousness. Omari Hardwick (the down low “brotha”), Khalil Kain (the rapist “brotha”), and Michael Ealy (the assaulting/murderous “brotha”) all serve as a catalyst for punishment and I have a problem with this portrayal. Ealy, beyond the other actors mentioned presents a complexity that allows me to appreciate the in actor, but leaves me cringing at the stereotype. He’s falls along the lines of Danny Glover as a “sympathetic Mr.” from The Color Purple until his climactic child-dangling scene.

My last bone of contention with Perry’s adaptation lies in his willingness to borrow themes from Gloria Naylor’s The Women Of Brewster Place. For the uninitiated, those who don’t remember and those who haven’t read Ms. Naylor’s work an entire scene was lifted and placed firmly in the scene featuring Rashad and Neal. Am I suggesting that a Matriarchal healing can only take place in new and interesting ways? No. But to lift an entire theme of ownership, redemption and Sister~love…I’m sorry Mr. Perry, you’ve failed me.

But, you haven’t failed your fans or the public in general. I realize and value your growth in this area, Tyler Perry. You know EXACTLY which heartstrings to pull, twinge, pluck and strum for dramatic effect. You realize on some level that someone needs to speak to the hurt of African American Women and apparently, you want them to speak loudly and in broad strokes. You desire their speech in fashion, artful make up, teary scenes, lines and shouts of indignation and I understand that. There is capital to be made from suffering. Suffering without resolve, a wound reopened, dissected and unclosed is a well spring. A caricature heaped with eloquence is often confused as art. A departure from your own overt voice is admirable…but sir, this was not your film. My heart aches for the celebration and I’m concerned that your work, will banish Elder Shange’s work to soap oprah  opera~esqe levels that fail to do it justice.
As if it were unclear, I’ll re-state my point. Tyler Perry doesn’t speak for my family or me. For the record “Madea”, my Grandmother prefers the title Granny and she’s not some mash up of Lawanda Page’s “Aunt Esther” character dipped in Gospel overtones. She’s a colored girl.
Like me.
And we’ve both had enough!

Friday, October 1, 2010

What Does Your Profile Pic Say About You?

I have a secret to tell you. I’m ashamed, chagrined and chastised but I can’t stop. It calls me at 3 a.m. and use to cause problems in my relationship. When a 9 to 5 was my reality, it interfered with my work and frequently…~shhhh~ ,,, frequently…I dream about it’s greatness and potential. To reach my addiction more efficiently, I changed my phone plan, sleep habits and living arrangements (okay, that last piece was a fib…spanks my own hand). I’ve done some things in the name of my best distraction…
…And I don’t regret it!
...And it’s growing!!!

With tears and upraised palms grasping at desperation and despair…I’m addicted to social networks!!!!
I “Gator Dance” in front of the desktop, scratch nonexistent itches in front of borrowed laptops and had a religious experience the first time I laid my 10 inch laptop across my lap.
~deep satisfied sigh~
Dear Social Networks…


I’m joking, but not really. I’m the annoying little piece of your day with updates, shared news stories and alternating profile pics throughout your workday. Like a mosquito bite I am…scratch me!

Okay, let me get to the point. I’m floating along the feed and I see a story. “What Does Your Profile Picture Say About You?” Of course, I glance over at mine. At the time I was probably “solo dolo” with a barely perceptible grin, head cocked left and designed to not show too much of my background. Psychologically this speaks volumes about my personality. We’ll go over that in a minute. But this is what some of your profiles pics are saying about you…

Fake/Celebrity/Car/Flower Pics…

Tells me about your self-esteem. Everybody I know has at least one favorite feature. Even the dude/chick you met/tried to avoid at the club with the cocked~eyes and bad breath are rescuing the one part of their esteem that says their approach is welcome. Every cellphone company, $10 scanner and $15 camera in the contiguous United States has officially banned excuses like, “I don’t have any recent pictures”. And if there isn’t…you’re a felonious liar. No pic/no chat/no friend/you’re a spambot…crankwad!



Your Crusty Face Coupled With Money…
My journalistic integrity is now taking a backseat. (As if it wasn’t firmly located in the trunk before…). If you show me via the internet your bed, car, hands or the garage of your mama’s house littered with money it tells me one KEY thing about you. YOU DON’T HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT!!!! Honestly…get the hayull away from me with your reasons “why banks are the devil”. I know them…for a period in the early 90’s I TOLD THEM!!! Pay your student loans, pay your taxes and stop putting stuff in your potential baby’s name…it’s a felony now. It's called identify theft...(and horrible parenting!)

The Where Were They Then Pic...
So, we’ve finally seen you…at your reunion surrounded by the failures of your class/alone/or in some similar pose. I don’t know a clearer warning sign that says, “If I could, I’d still wear my letterman jacket, frat colors, class ring, gang insignia. Yeah…what are you doing now, hun? Oh…the same thing? Twirling a cane, stepping, hanging out, and living with mom? I pity the fool. And Sistren, it's important to be okay with who you are TODAY! Not who you were 10 years ago posing in club pics and showing off the last time you actually saw your feet! And for those of you who use your teenaged daughter’s pics…you are hereby kicked off my planet!!!


The Love In Da Club Pic...
I enjoy going out.  My semi~regular "girl's night" are moments of perfection. Going to concerts and random venues with Senor Snores~A~Lot can be the highlight in a long week, even though it's usually "work" for both of us.  My solamente forays on the town (or in other towns) is the stuff of personal legend.  Having said that, let me say this: If every one of your pictures features a disco ball, strobe light, bartender and can only be viewed via the local "party website"...it's time for you to find a hobby that doesn't involve a cover charge! The only exception to this is people who work in/for clubs; i.e. promoters, bartenders and dj's...The rest of ya'll, need to take a night off!

What does my less than prolific social network photo albums say about me? It says I’m out of my house FREQUENTLY doing random stuff. It says my locs are in that versatile stage. It says I have more than a dozen aliases. It says that I love my Suns. It says that I travel...frequently.   It says I value my circle of friends and am loyal no matter what. It says I have a boyfriend who snores so loud that I can’t sleep at night (hence I’m writing at the buttcrack of dawn).   It says that I'm in an interdependent relationship with a really tall dude.  It says, I hope, that I’m loving and enjoying the life placed with confidence by my Ancestors, Mentors, Loved Ones and the Universe firmly within my two hands…

Again, kindred…Love Free.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Champagne Tastes: Why You Can't Be Great...

I like “stuff”. My favorite time of year is “catalogue” time when my favorite stores jam pack their ‘printed on recycled paper’ pages with new stuff. Everything within its lacquered sheets is shiny, smooth, sparkly and new. These things make me swoon. I think decorating my home should arrive like the seasons, complete with some aptly named solstice, celebratory dance and new color schemes. I like “stuff”.
Having said all that, (and knowing that by now, Patient Reader, you should realize I’m a Harlem~shuffling dichotomy) I’ll admit that once my full swoon is accomplished, I drag my happy tail up off the floor and rearrange my current furniture, hit a thrift store with a budgeted, spectacular vengeance and place said catalogues firmly in the nearest waste receptacle.
(Side Note: I’m trying to set a record for run on sentences meant to induce finger pointing spasms from every English teacher I ever had. Knowledge is power…)

The Goodness that I currently live with and I have interesting conversations from time to time.  This explaines why I keep him around (and vice versa...). The following led to this post.

The Feminine Goodness: I want a new sofa.
The Masculine Goodness: Oh yeah?
TFG: Yeah…
TMG: What else do women spend money on?
TFG: (looking at my own nails, egg washed loc’s and closet filled with Old Navy gear)…ummmm

So I got good and curious, pulled together a panel of women and discovered “debt when the rainbow costs too much”…

1. The "Beautyshop".

Okay, I’ll admit this. Thanks to loc’s, eggs and avocado’s I probably spend a monthly total of $20 dollars on my hair (including my not brief enough stint as a blonde…don’t ask!). I wash (the eggs), condition (the avocado) and use occasional sunflower/tea tree oil (luster and shine). I’m not recommending my regiment for everybody…but I priced lace fronts and weaves. (The look of shock and awe is STILL on my face!). A median amount of $1500 MONTHLY is spent at the “beauty shop”. That’s a mortgage on your scalp for something that grows EASILY. Another confession: I’ve not frequented a “beauty shop” since I was 16 years old. The last perm I bought (and tricked my Dad into thinking I used) was 5 bucks! I’m admittedly out of touch on this one, but that’s one HELL of an economic crisis in my book.


No wonder he wants you to be independent!

2. Keeping Up With Sex In The Fictional City & The Real Housewives of Hell Fashions…
(da hell is a Louboutin?!!!) 
This is not the Loser Shoe in question...
but it might as well be.
A shoe covers your feet (basically), protects you from the elements (sometimes) and helps to transport you from point A to point B. If you’re lucky, the right heel elevates your butt to dynamic proportions and makes you strut. It does NOT guarantee you a free drink in the club, make you more dateable/marriage material OR make you great. Kanye. So what is the obsession about?!!! I visited the “new shoe of choice for women’s” website and you people should be ashamed of yourselves. Don’t get me wrong. I love high heels accentuating all 6 ft of this Amazon. I encourage and emphasize the inherent sexy of tall in my strut and every time I cross my legs…but I refuse to pay the equivalent of (ANOTHER) mortgage payment simply because some ex-wife of a washed up pro~baller mentioned it.  It’s not that I can’t…it’s that I won’t! And honestly, I didn’t realize checking labels on anything outside of food still occurred amongst adults.
3. Men, Women
I was one of the last great hold out’s regarding the myth of female competition until…
One day, I was playing around on good ol’ Facebook…watching the feed and whatnot when I began to notice a trend. (This occurs most frequently during rainstorms and late at night when the weather turns chilly). Women were listing their expectations in a mate. Men were listing their expectations in a mate. And neither of these folks was listening to EACH OTHER!
I’m not exaggerating when I say that I saw a post from “Mr. WalkWithALimp DrankWithADipMoneyBeforeHoes” and “Ms. I’mSoIndependentAndLonelyIWearUnderwearToTheClub” posted REPEATEDLY their desire for someone to hold, talk to, listen to and enjoy Luther Vandross with. (Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but I’m nowhere near lying…).
The competition to say “just the right thing” is costly. It's not a race, competition or a game of oneupsmanship. All those personas, hard outer shells, hidden soft hearts and characters that we play are costing us family, comfort, peace and a soft place to land.

She's got her's while you're still at the club...


I always start with my Sister’s first, but we all buy a bit of this faulty stock and right now…in 2010…the cost financially, physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually is too damned high.

Let’s love…

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Every Time I Try To Get Out...They Keep Pullin' Me Back In!!!!

Let’s just get a couple of things out in the open from (21) jump street. The young men in question were at (or over) the age of consent according to Atlanta’s law. So annihilate the “pedophile” discussion. The young men in question received gifts, trips and status for their “time”. Obviously, I question “coercion”. I think the tales told of Atlanta’s “down low” statistics are dramatically overstated for the sake of some women “saving face” about their decision to “husband” a dude in excessive Ed Hardy and arched eyebrows…(it’s your fault if you believed Waiting To Exhale!). Lastly, I don’t even SLIGHTLY care about/for your “Adam and Steve” analogies…so keep that nonsense in your own particular pulpit. Thanks! Oh, and lest my judgement be called into question, I tussled (yes, tussled) with the decision to even “head nod” this situation, because I'm a tad insensitive frank. With that said, this is where I ache. Dogma and adultery. Lay your prejudices aside and follow the rainbow.

I was in the same place you were when the story broke, in my home/office/couch/car on Facebook/Twitter/Digg. In defense, I was probably FAR more familiar with Mr. Long because of my parental unit’s devotion to all things fundamental (I’m such a rebel). Visiting for Thanks/Christmas~ing (while dodging pork laden greens and hamhocked corn), I’m a bit world weary in the realm of religious fanaticism. (Not fair.) My loving Mum is an oil smearing, TBN fan and I love her for it, but I eliminated Long from my imaginary Friends List/Followers WAY before he launch his tirade against homosexuals. (Bite me, I have a problem with discrimination.) Beyond espousing some notion of Biblical righteousness, condemning someone to hell for being born is outside of my comfort realm is ignorant and SMACKS of KKK~isms, so I.just.can’t. Truth told and quiet as kept, I didn’t ~technically~ have a problem with the bling, jet, and prosperity thing. (The phrase “get it how you live” springs to mind). I have a problem with “thou that doth protest too much”. Wondering what I mean? Here’s an example:
The Republican Party…

Seriously, what’s with staging a MARCH against “gay marriage”?!!! An obsession with heterosexuality makes me skittish. An obsession with homosexuality is a warning sign. With the exception of cockroaches (which are just UN~NATURAL), I simply can’t think of anything that I dislike so strongly that they deserve mention in all my conversations. (Sidenote/Example: I mention Idris Elba…FREQUENTLY with Michael Eley playing a runner’s up role, but until THIS post, I’ve said NOTHING about Shemar Moore...point made!). Were Mr. Long unmarried, uncloseted and not such a rabid finger pointer…this would NOT have registered in my consciousness. But now, even his “LongFellows Youth Outreach” statement is questionable:

"Our methodology here at LongFellows is to invade and bring about a culture with these young men that they start believing in a standard that they have something that they hold to, that they never give up or never give in, do the things that they are ordained to do,"

Now it all sounds NAMBLA~esque…allegedly.
Mr. Long is married. I don’t care if he was engaging in questionable consensual congress with a goat, pet rock and ambiguous CPR dolls, if his wife was unaware, then he’s damaged a life! Should the shape-shifting wig have clued her in? Yeah…but vanity is a son~of~a~gun. Should she have questioned the smedium~ness of his shirts?! Sure…but he’s fit and women tend to be hypnotized/dazzled by arms (umm, trust me!). Should she have questioned some of his jewelry?!!! Heck to da yeppers…but status can confuse your most focused folks. Long story, short...if he didn’t... he should have TOLD her. The conversation is pretty easy.

Longstroke: Baby, I got something to tell you BEFORE I propose.
She (hearing the word propose and ignoring all else): Yes dear…
Longstroke: I won’t commit a crime, but I like boys…firm ones who adore my spandex body as rendered by bathroom mirror photos. I’ll share the spoils of my success and people will call you “First Lady” without an election…
She: Just don’t get caught, Kappa

Obviously, sarcasm is my native tongue. Look; don’t drag people into your damned closet! Stay single, unencumbered and childless! Nobody wants to be a casualty of your low self-esteem, self-hating, guilt trampled, delusional war. (Honestly, the above scenario is NOT something I think Mrs. Long would have signed up for and my genuine prayers and positive light is squarely aimed at her and their children! No one deserves what she’s facing right now. Stand strong, Sister!)
Right now, these are ALL allegations and I’m willing to let the devil have his due watch it play out. Viewing things from both sides, I question some things about this situation. Why a civil suit? Why not sexual harassment? Why all the media coverage about “boys” when these young men were at (or above) the age of consent? Why can’t a “Pastor” be gay when the choir director OBVIOUSLY is? Why is “gay” a taboo and trickin’ so prevalent in da church? Why accept gifts? Where were the “well meaning parents”? Does anybody remember when MJ was accused of the same, ONLY to have the chief accuser’s father denounce the charges then commit suicide? And finally, why ask why?

You know I love it when you talk back...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

There’s A Heart Where My Refrigerator Use To Be…

Or,  how to move on from a breakup without bitterness...


I’m a great ex girlfriend. Yep, I’m going to go on record as being called a good friend following many a clean break from previous relationships. With one or two possible exceptions, I can enter a building where a former co~relationship~ant is enjoying himself and the vibe will not turn negative for either party. My homegirls stand in awe, my homeboys wonder at my coolness…the seas part and I stroll across on salmon and make sushi…yeah, I’m a bad GIRL!

Seriously though. I make the weirdest friends and some of them include guys I use to date (one outing qualifies in my book…). Do we hang out at daily? Ummm, no! Do I attend the baptism of their third baby’s mama’s child? NOOOO (That would require a gift!). But can we attend the same Nas show without breaking bottles and de~evolving into random fisticuffs?! Sure! And why the hell not?

The reason: I leave without bitterness and allow them to do the same.
THE CAVEAT: Once again, this only works with sane people. If you’re a Scorpio, unstable, there’s a WHOLE other set of rules…

Do…
Develop a date of ejection: One of my most valuable lessons in life is the importance of reaching a mutual conclusion. I dated this guy once. Funny, witty, creative and a singer (my life falls along this pattern, so stay with me!). Despite all of this we realized we were on different paths.

He: marriage/children/happily ever after.
Me: “an understanding/monogamy/some other stuff

We jointly called it a day, complete with an expiration date, location, color and song. It was like a mini wedding. We mutually decided on a date where we’d limit contact. A date when we could both “safely” resume conversation (by phone) and specifically agreed upon conversations. No more songs, no music was allowed, no mutual clubs attended, no gospel stage plays, concerts, harmonizing cicadas… You get my drift. The end date was enjoyable…but like discount meat, it was meant to be consumed in a 6 hour period.


Don’t…
Engage in One Last Try: With the exception of Cosby, Martin and Living Single…I don’t enjoy reruns…At some point, couples realized they don’t work. Your vegan girfriend/wife says, “You like bacon…you eat beef” or…”you don’t read…you don’t…*expletive deleted in a holy way* Yo!” or “You don’t do the things that I do and do, do the things I don’t!” As much as I enjoy dichotomy (opposites), when it’s time to move on, DON’T LOOK BACK!!!! Yeah, you’ll remember how (s)he’d brush the side of your cheek and the first day you chewed bubble gum, but this is NOT the time to re-dabble into the inkwell. Pick up your pen and write a new poem. This helps in a number of ways, but primarily it assists not expecting the new relationship to mimic the old. Trust me that you don’t want that. If you did, you’d still be in the old relationship, wouldn’t you?

Do...
Realize that the relationship died…not you! It’s time to ditch the all black everything and remove the flowers from the casket. The relationship is dead and gone like T.I’s freedom, but you’re still singing the same dirge and waiting for a resurrection that rivals Lazarus’ stroll from the grave. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that a bit of sadness isn’t called for. But obsessive facebook stalking, refusing to remove their number from your speed dial, and sleeping on their doorstep failing to resume your life isn’t going to get them back in the warmth of your bosom…It’s going to make them run like Forrest Gump on meth. #TrueStory

Bitterness is not a good look on anyone, especially not the “newly single”. Think about it this way. Are you more likely to attract “the next one” if you’re still making sad faces at the old one? Go on and live! (It’s much more fun…)

Did I mention that stalking is a no~no?!!!
Comments, questions, concerns...testimonies?
Enjoy!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Police In Your Rearview? Do's And Don'ts...


I’m told I play “devil’s advocate” very well. My response, “I’m skeptical of the existence of an “external” devil.” What does this mean?  Despite my ability to identify discrimination, prejudice and general unfairness…everybody who cries “innocent”…ain’t. Yes, I purposely slaughtered grammar, spelling and syntax for emphasis. The point I’m making is this…I’m noticing a growing trend towards failing to own up to individual responsibility. It starts with something innocuous and small and graduates to small cases of pandemonium leaving us to finger point, speculate and attempt to assign blame. I’m a pre~emptive girl in a reactive world, so I thought I’d pass along a handful of “do’s” and “don’ts”. Today’s focus?
The Do’s and Don’t Of A Traffic Stop (or any other interaction with the law enforcing sirens in your rearview…)

(Typical blog caveat: The scenarios listed herein apply when two rational, honest and (reasonably) law abiding citizens encounter each other. Rogue cops and outlaws live by completely different rules. And it’d be my personal pleasure to round them up and banish them to the Outer Crab Nebula, but until then…)

Do…
Keep your hands visible, making no sudden gestures or moves to your pockets, purse, in the waistband of your sagging jeans or under your seat. The thing to immediately realize is that the police don’t realize that you secret your most prized possessions under your bootleg, Teflon reinforced Oakland Raiders baseball cap so they have NO idea what you’re reaching for.


Wish you could take it back, dont ya?

Don’t…
Behave erratically. Nothing makes an officer (or any right thinking stranger) suspect ulterior and potentially dangerous motives more than the person who is incapable of maintaining some eye contact, with constantly flailing appendages and speech that makes no discernible sense. Believe it or not, police training includes identifying some symptoms of mental illness, however when the previous symptoms are accompanied by evasive maneuvers…it raises a red flag. (And tasers…and billy clubs…and guns…).





Do…
Tell the truth, and shame the debbil.   Seriously. You’re a law abiding citizen, right? The 20 miles an hour over the speed limit was due to your fallible humanity and impatience. Admit it. “Yes Officer, I was speeding/unaware of my speed”. “No, Officer, I’m not sure why you stopped me” is also an acceptable response. The point is to speak the truth as you see it. (Yep, you read that right…take it how you will). And note: I didn’t use any of the derisive farm animal terms that people seem willing to toss about all willy nilly. Keep it civil.

Don’t…
Act a fool. You’d be AMAZED at people’s level of comfort and familiarity with authority figures carrying debilitating weapons. This is not your neighbor’s mischievous puppy pooping on your front lawn or the cashier at the fast food joint who gets your order wrong for the 5th time (…although you shouldn’t exercise your frustration on them either!). If asked for your identification or to step out of the car, do so with a minimum of fuss. You’re NOT in court on the corner of Main & MLK in Anytown, USA. It’s simple. Follow instructions.

Image your average Tuesday at work, completing the TPS reports. You’re not 100% sure you want to be there, a long way from a lunch break and even further from quitting time. Your boss, their boss and the Mayor holds you responsible for everything from your colleagues to your customers. And everybody with a cellphone or camera is recording your every move, when in walks an erratic, swearing, shifty eyed  liar  person looking to avoid personal responsibility. And to top it all off, you’re not sure on any given day who may or may not have anything to lose by ending your life.

This is the long and short of the matter. What’s a human to do? Because, despite the inconvenience…they ARE humans, with a job to do.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Endangered Species: Common Courtesy

I'm a contradiction wrapped in the most alluring of chocolate mahogany skin.
Honestly, I'm contradictory like the following Drake~ism,
"I CANT STAND THESE *rhyming expletive deleted* WHO WANT MY RICHES".
While sing/talk/rapping in verse 2:
" I WANT TO BUY YOU EVERYTHING IN THE MALL".



Yes, I realize this about myself, so when directing questions, comments and concerns, feel free to tell me just how much I want it both ways...because frequently, I do. I notice people when I'm out and about. People watching provides my innerchild with Wonderland type entertainment and things to alternately frown and smile about. And because I'm so deep and complex, this can occur at the exact same time. Having explained all that, I've got to wonder if I am one of those Women who've contributed to the assassination attempts currently being waged against chivalrous actions and gentlemanly conduct. This is the thing, despite my harangue on fairytales a couple of weeks ago, I still have decidedly feminine expectations when a Man enters the room or is graced by my presence.



While I’m trying to figure out who fired the first shots in this war against civility is not the point, I do recognize that frequently, a negative response to an open door, something that varies between barked orders to "Leave that door alone!" to strolling through the door failing to make eye contact, much less commit to an audible thank you, can easily leave the Brotherhood of Man nonplussed and downright lackadaisical. With that being said, these are the top five acts of pro-social kindness that I truly miss on behalf of both genders (and pray nightly) that some brave soul, Idris Elba, will bring back!


1. Pulling out the Lady's chair. Depending on the weather and time of year, I eat out regularly. And as stated, I like to watch people, so my favorite time of day to enjoy a nice meal unprepared by my own hands is typically dinner. The combination of family's dining out, first, second and third dates and the dreaded Facebook/Twitter related meet/hook up provides me more entertainment than your average wrestling tournament in the heart of Praline, Alabama. (This place doesn't exist...to my knowledge, but it has a nice ring to it.) So, of course, from the moment these couples hit the stage, I'm playing "eye spy" and counting down to see if the male of this pairing will galumph to the chair/booth and plop down in the chair without a second glance at his date/companion. My unscientific study shows that most men on a date appear to carry on internal conversations with themselves to prevent this bit of cave~mannery...but those individuals in what appears to be longer lasting relationships, will flop down blissfully unaware that their mate is standing expectantly UNTIL the host/hostess does his duty. *Insert guilty eyes and intense menu perusal here*

2. Walking nearest the street. If you were born anytime prior to 1992, it's my honest belief that you should know and do this automatically, especially when standing or walking along public transportation platforms. Color me spoiled, but the moment I feel the wind of a passing vehicle as it zips by, my date is (at least mentally) over. Blame my Grandpa.


(You need not go this far...but it made me laugh...)

3. Polite laughter. Ladies, this is one we can engage in too. Chivalry is not just for men anymore...I cringe to see a Brother in his best Steve Harvey suit, mentally rehearsing lines from the Chapelle Show and peeking over his pinkie ring hoping against hope that you at least part your lips in a half hearted guffaw at his attempts at wit. You don't have to mean it, but a cracked smile does nothing to detract from your night. If he's telling decidedly disrepectful jokes, let him know with a grimace thoughtfully disguised as a smile that Towelie is not your particular brand of chuckles. A smile, redirection...but please avoid that deadpan Daria face that I've perfected so well . Besides, you're the one who decided to date the guy wearing a Steve Harvey suit and sporting a pinkie ring...that means you've GOT to have some sense of humor. Sharing is caring.

4. The Automatic Petname. This may run more along the lines of personal pet peeve, but then this is a personal blog, so I'd be absolutely neglectful if I didn't give my Brethren a head up on the use of diminutive titles. I think before you "sugar", "baby girl", "boo", "sweety" me...you should KNOW me...which means you won't be tossing out those silly bon mots to begin with. A recent facebook interaction ended abruptly when a stranger (though a frequent visitor to my little slice of FB Nirvana) called me "Boo". My response (similar to a knee jerk reaction or an open hand slap across the back of the throat) was, "Boo?!!! Fool it ain't Halloween!" I detest immediate familiarity. With that said, I do this frequently when being reintroduced to people because I tend to forget names. Mystery presented and solved.



5. Courtesy Words.  So…you’ve inhaled copious amounts of pepper, while starting on a freshly carbonated beverage, and suffering the onset of Montezuma’s revenge, only to discover that familiar prickly, confidence debilitating itch in your nether regions…SIMULTANEOUSLY. As you go about rectifying these perfectly natural bodily functions, realize that we’re still in the vicinity. True…for every burp, sneeze and subsequent “male adjustment”, we don’t expect you to catapult to the darkest regions of the men’s room (or ladies room…sometimes our chesticular garments go awry). But inconsiderate,  self groping and ongoing flatulence is marginally “funny” in Judd Apatow movies. In reality, it’s obnoxious…



I’m sure I’ve missed quite a few…(eye contact, a firm handshake, not giving in to your own Taylor Swift/Kanye West moment...)so share!